Fracture Points: The Real Cause of Family Conflict Isn’t What You Think
This Father’s Day, we take a deep dive into conflict within a family enterprise. Fracture is inevitable. It happens. But take heart: Well-designed policies and processes can limit the damage.
When conflict threatens the life of a family enterprise, the matriarch is often the family member who suffers the most grief. She is the mother and nurturer, and above all else, she has her eye on a peaceful and loving family. For her, success is rarely defined by generational wealth or a favorable P&L report.
In the years i3 has spent working with families in business, we’ve noticed this grief tends to be shaped by disillusionment, too. After a particularly painful family break, an aging mother of four adult children, all active participants in the family business, said, “I cannot believe how utterly useless and divisive this business and all of its money have turned out to be.”
She and her husband, the enterprise founders, had spent the better part of their lives working unforgiving hours, under unrelenting pressures. Despite years of near financial collapse, they had come out on the other side, having succeeded beyond their own expectations. And their reward? A family home in the shadows of conflict, disorder and fracture. A dining room where holiday meals are endured not cherished; and the taunting chasm between the idea of a successful family business verses the reality of what it sometimes turns out to be.
If you were to steal a quick glance through an outside window, unnoticed, their family gatherings would look like love, a real Norman Rockwell work of art: A table set with fine China and place cards written in an elegant hand, a beautiful centerpiece and pressed linen napkins. Christmas dinner is $400’s worth of beef tenderloin. All the fixings are perfect, and ... everyone at the table wishes to hell they were somewhere else.
It’s all so messed up. Because these are people who love each other. An aging mom and dad, grown children, their spouses, the grandchildren, all situated dangerously close to the edge of so many layers of anger and emotion that, in an instance, one or more loved ones might fall into prolonged estrangement. So be it.
But, yet, is that what the members of this family really want? Because there’s the pull of what’s familiar. These people know each other so deeply: their kinship, shared history, successes and failures, the long memories: Stuff these siblings or cousins did together as kids — childhood ramblings that were equal parts hilarious, innocent, dangerous, pure, irresponsible, exhilarating.
But by the time these kids are now adults and they’re all seated around that holiday table, there’s something else: mistrust or doubt, unfair mistreatment of one sibling, biased favoritism of another, a meddling in-law, an entitled cousin. It’s a family dinner where even the blessing has devolved into propaganda. A bit of message to make a poorly veiled point, by a father who simply does not have the language or the know-how to say the things that must be said.
And as each family member stands around the table, heads bowed, with so much distance between them, they share a collective thought, “how long of a visit is long enough on Christmas Day?”
In This Article
Kevin Heaton, founder and principal of i3, helps us examine five questions:
Why do fracture points emerge even in successful, loving families?
What role do pride, envy, greed, entitlement and shame play in family conflict?
How can families recognize the warning signs of a fracture before it becomes a crisis?
What role does governance play in shaping behavior and limiting damage during times of tension?
How can economics, financial infrastructure and clear decision-making help families navigate inevitable conflict?